“Most discussions of having it all” center on balancing work and children, but that definition of “all” is incomplete… Women also want to spend time on other aspects of their lives: art, politics, faith, experiencing the natural world. Left to pursue only two dimensions of our lives leaves other parts of who we are undercultivated.”
~Lynn Pasquerella

One of the top executives at my company was named as one of Working Mother’s The Most Powerful Moms of 2018. As a working mom myself, I am always on the lookout for hacks to make it easier to honor all the parts of who I am.

In search of the ever-elusive ‘how to have it all’, I’ve cultivated my own #momsquad: a group of 5 women who are my go-tos on all things parenting, both as a mom and as working mom with a Career. As in other areas of my life, my #momsquad is my board of directors. This committee of women – who don’t actually know each other – are my guides help me navigate the dimensions of who I am beyond just work or home.

Moms 1 & 2: My two best friends, each a stay-at-home mom of three kids. I turn to them when I need coaching on prioritization, patience and parenting. These experienced moms have been there when I thought my baby was coughing up blood (just transfer from me from breastfeeding, but still terrifying), telling me I should REALLY consider sleep training, and reminding me that my work is important, but maybe not THE most important thing in my life.  When my approach to parenting doesn’t line up as well as I’d like with my wife’s, I can ask for input without worrying they will be judging my relationship and my parenting. Each of these strong women made thoughtful and difficult decisions about whether or not continuing their pre-kid careers made sense while their children are young. They are now approaching the decision about going to work as their kids get older. And, since they’ve both known for more than 20 years, they can call me out on my sh!t like no one else. Friends first, moms second.

Moms #3 & 4: Those trusted office moms, mythical unicorns of work-people who become friends and who are at similar stages in both their career and personal lives. One mom had her second daughter after 40, while leaning in to her own Career  so much she stepped into a new team and new role after returning from maternity leave. She gives me hope that it’s not too late for my family and my career to grow together. To top that off, just also ran a half-marathon – and wrote about it! The other office mom unicorn is stepping in as stepmom. Being trusted to watch her navigate making deliberate decisions about co-parenting and family building is opening up new doors in how I think about my own family. These two women lift my guilt when I spend some of my free time on the weekend writing (like right now), get dinner for the family from the Whole Foods hot bar (again) and tell me when I have smeared banana on my clothes. Whether it is coaching on time-management, setting boundaries or reminding me that each week has enough hours to do what’s actually important, these coworkers know that for us, working works for us and our families.

Mom 5: One of my two sisters-in-law, a working mom of two amazing girls. Not only is she consistently getting ahead in her own Career, she is somehow also going back to school for her MBA. A working mom who also knows, understands and appreciates the unique dynamics of my extended family. She shares her thoughtful approach on how she makes time for what’s important to her, co-parents fully with my brother and knows that family is family, however we all get to the same holiday table. What’s not to appreciate and love?

My #momsquad members don’t all know each other. But they all know me, or know different facets of me, who I am now and who I want to be. These moms make me hope I really am an average of the 5 people with whom I spend the most time associating.

Tell me about your #momsquad… and if you have any of those magical hacks that makes finding that elusive balance to be your most fully recognized self.

Ask Wendy: Finding a Mentor

A recent text from a close friend:
Wendy! Could use some advice from my HR/professional development friend. 😉 Any suggestions on how you ask someone to be your mentor?

So, I am conflicted about “formal” mentoring. I know this can be heresy in the HR world…Clutch your pearls now!

If you’re thinking about asking someone to be your mentor, it’s likely you already have a relationship. If you don’t, you need to start and build a relationship, even if as a casual acquaintance. Once there’s a bit of a relationship in place, you can email or start up a conversation along the lines of:

“I’ve always thought of you as a mentor, and would appreciate your perspective on XYZ right now.”

Once you’ve had that exchange, and shared your gratitude for her perspective, you can ask if she’d be comfortable with you keeping her your list of people to reach out to for similar coaching or advice in the future.

What you’re doing is asking for the mentoring AFTER it’s already happening, which means you’ve let the mentor experience what you’re expecting. “Being a mentor” can feel big, and like another commitment or obligation. Asking after you’ve shown that it won’t take up too much of their time, and will be easy, it’s more likely you’ll get a yes for an ongoing mentoring relationship.

Here is the key to successful mentoring: YOU have to give something back to your mentor. It’s not a one-way street. Any relationship has to be mutually beneficial, and mentoring is not an exception. This can come through in many different ways: she gets (some) credit for your brilliance at work, or early information on what’s happening in other parts of your industry or organization. It could be great book recommendations, or helping her stay plugged in to the latest technology advancements applicable to your work.

Mentees have to give as well as take.